Originally ran Feb. 13, 2015 for GeekMom.
Dear Sports Illustrated:
I am so sorry to hear that, once again, there have been complaints and controversy surrounding your well-intended guide to helping women and men pick out a practical, attractive, and affordable swimsuit perfect for swimming, surfing, playing soccer, volleyball on the beach, and going out in public with your family.
After seeing the cover for this year’s issue, which apparently raised a few eyebrows and hackles, I saw the problem immediately. The poor woman on the cover wasn’t even given a suit that fits properly. She has to grab onto to suit’s bottoms to keep them from falling off. What an embarrassment for her and for your wardrobe department. Uh-oh, someone’s getting fired this year.
Well, I’ve got a solution for your next year’s issue that will solve all your problems. Might I introduce your new Swimsuit Issue 2016 cover model: Chris Pratt.
I know, I know, you can thank me later, for I’m sure this is a step you’ve considered taking in the past.
I’m almost definitely certain this will work for you on many levels, and be a hit with readers of all demographics. Here’s are just three of the reasons why:
First of all, celebrity sells, and there is probably no bigger celebrity right now than Chris Pratt. I mean, wow, he’s everywhere, and I’m betting he’ll be even bigger next year. Isn’t that what you look for in a cover model? He’ll be a familiar face, whose talents stretch beyond just being a pretty face. Plus, I would think a prerequisite to being a cover model for a sports magazine is to play—or at least love—sports. Pratt loves sports! He knows football, and used his ability to trash talk with buddy Chris Evans (hey, another great choice, should Pratt be unavailable), as an excuse to visit sick children in hospitals. I’m told he does that anyways. That is what makes a person truly attractive, the fact he looks, well, “adequate,” in a bathing suit is secondary.
Second, of the other controversial subjects with this year’s issue, there was talk of a model described as “plus size.” I found the problem there immediately, as well. I looked all through that issue and didn’t find one person who I would rate as “plus size.” Only fit people, including one very beautiful woman in a black bikini, I’m sure you included just to make other women jealous. I assume “plus size,” in this case isn’t a size, but a grade, as in “A-plus!” When you promise a “plus size” model, there should be one, right? Here’s where Mr. Pratt could help you again, he was once considered “plus-size,” as well. The best part is, he didn’t seem to care. He seemed content to be who he was, no matter his girth, and even expressed as long as his wife and daughter loved him, who cares what others think of him. What a wonderful attitude for everyone, especially during the summer when people who feel they have less-than-perfect bodies spend entire summers swimming with t-shirts over their suits.
Finally, it has been recently brought to my attention, that the Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue isn’t really for women, as Sports Illustrated is primarily considered a “men’s magazine.” See, there’s another reason where you’re heading in the wrong direction. You’ve been showing off women’s suits, on the cover. Most men I know prefer to wear comfortable, loose-fitting trunks, rather than bikinis. I would think even the ones who enjoy bikinis, or rather bikini briefs, would want something that fits a little better than this year’s cover selection.
This, once again, is why my suggestion is perfect for your cover next year. Mr. Pratt will be advertising men’s swimsuits in a magazine for men! No more confusion over what men are wearing next season.
Of course, I always assumed women liked and played sports, too, but that’s another topic for another day.
There it is. I can’t wait to see next year’s cover! Everyone should be happy. I can’t think of one good reason why this won’t be the best swimsuit issue ever. Sure, there might be a few who think that the only reason they put him on the cover is to belittle and gawk at the male physique. Like, you all would ever issue a magazine with the intention selling sex over substance.
Oh well, there’s always somebody complaining for no reason, isn’t there?